Freedom (or the Lack Of)

You know those women who do everything? They have kids in school and extracurricular programs. They volunteer. They work part time. They do online school. They attend community meetings. They go to book club and church. And they still have time to offer to bring you dinner or watch your kids if you need it.

Well, that is not me. But I have a friend like that and she amazes me. How does she find the time in the day, let alone the energy? I have one child in Kindergarten and I can barely keep up with her homework. I'm home all day with two little ones and I never have time to clean my house and only sometimes make dinner.

As I contemplated the difference between our lives tonight, I realized there are two things I lack that makes up the real difference. First, enthusiasm. I just don't care enough. Or at least about those kinds of things. I vote, but I don't go to community meetings. I think about putting my daughter in extracurriculars, but I never want to shell out the money or give up an afternoon each week.

Second, freedom. At first I thought I don't have the time. But I have oodles of time. At this stage in my life, I watch so much Netflix and read so many books it's ridiculous. And awesome. But mostly ridiculous. (In my defense, I'm very often breastfeeding while I read and folding laundry while I watch Netflix.) Even if I carved out more productive time in my day, I have small children who are too dependent on me for me to leave them for long. At the stages they're in, I struggle to find a time to shower when I know they'll be safe for the five minutes I'm in the bathroom.

So, whether you call it justifying it or coming to terms with it, I can imagine that at a later date, I will have more time to volunteer at my kids' schools and be more involved in my community. I might work part time. I might have a cleaner house. But I will be sadly behind on my Netflix bingewatching and my TBR book pile will be so large it will fall over.

His Turn

I always thought I would work after I had children. At the time, that was the point of going to college. I know there are other benefits like gaining knowledge, expanding my horizons, and being an example to my children. But I didn't go to school with a stay-at-home mom role in mind.

I know how blessed I am that my husband makes enough so that I can stay home full-time with my young children. I'm reminded of that when I hear other mothers I know having to go back to work and leave their babies behind. But every once in a while, I get antsy. I wish for a break from my children and wonder what the point of my schooling (and subsequent student debt is for). Once I even started considering the ways that I could go back to work, even part time. But after prayer and contemplation, I knew that it's my husband's turn to be out in the world, not mine. This quote helps me feel at peace with that:

“There is time enough for achieving financial success, accolades, and ‘getting ahead’ besides the first years of your child’s life.” – Mayim Bialik, PhD

I bring this up now because my husband's work has taken him to Denmark. I was talking with another mother yesterday who said, with quite a bit of sadness in her voice, that her husband had traveled all over the world and seen so many amazing things with his job. And she was always at home with the kids. 

I feel a little bit envious that my husband is off doing cool things while I'm at home with the kids doing the same old things. But there's comfort in knowing that I am here for my children during their most formative years. And I look forward to the time I will have and things I will do once my youngest is in school. But for now, I'll enjoy the snuggles from my little ones and getting to sleep in as long as they do.

Domestic Executive

Last night we had some young men over for dinner. They're around twenty years old and my husband asked what their plans for life are. One was unsure and seemed distressed that he didn't know yet what he wanted to do "when he grew up." I said that I still didn't know what I wanted to do.

Both immediately responded with, "Stay at home mom." Then repeated other titles for the same idea: homemaker, domestic executive. My only response to them is that someday my children will be in school and I will have more time on my hands.

The majority of the time I really am at peace with being a stay at home mom. When I see other women having to leave their babies to go back to work, I'm incredibly grateful that I get to stay with mine (even if I desperately need a break from them, I only want a break of a couple of hours). But it surprised me and even made me a little sad that these young men thought that stay at home mom was not only my current status, but would be forever. It made me wonder what their mothers did, or what they thought their mothers would do, when all their children were grown and gone.

In five years my baby will be in school. I don't plan on immediately (or even ever) working full time. I know raising them won't be over, and a mother's job isn't even over when her children have left the home. I'm excited to be involved in their schooling. I want to volunteer in their classrooms and go on field trips with them. They'll still need mothering and raising for many years to come. But in a few short years, they will need significantly less of my time than they do now. And I hope that my house will be cleaner and I'll get to read more books, but eventually I'll want to do something more.

So no, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Right now I'm a stay at home mom. But like many people, my career both in the home and out will evolve and change with time.