Bittersweet

I've finished weaning my 19 month old. Finished meaning I gave her one last feeding on Sunday night. She has spent the last two days asking for milk, especially at bedtime. I wonder how long it will take her to forget.

There is certainly relief. Until I made her cut back she was still waking up to feed at least a few times a night. I felt like I still had a small baby instead of a toddler. I was sleep deprived and worn out and tired of having to breastfeed her everywhere I went. Not that I was unwilling to in almost any circumstance when necessary, but she just thought it was necessary far more often than I did. Now I can also wear what I want without having to worry about whether or not it's breastfeeding friendly. And I can take medications without worrying about if it will harm my baby.

But there is also sadness. I cried the last time I breastfed her, my baby. Very likely my last baby. With the sadness is some gratitude in realizing how blessed I am that I was able to breastfeed her for so long and to have that relationship with my youngest girl.

There's Always a Reason

I've made plenty of mistakes as a mom. And I hesitate to give advice because of those mistakes, and because I've received so much unwanted advice as a mother of young children (I first typed "young mother," but that brings to mind someone much younger than myself). But there is at least one thing I've learned about babies: there's always a reason.

If your normally happy baby is screaming, there's a reason (and it's not because she's trying to ruin your day or your sleep). You might not know that reason at the time, but I've almost always later discovered what was upsetting a baby or changing her schedule or any other unexpected and unexplained thing that babies do.

I do have to remind myself of this from time to time. Like when my one year old (who I was about to try to wean) suddenly starts waking up every hour or two to feed at night again. Or she is so needy and demanding  to breastfeed so often during the day that my corresponding soreness if reminiscent of the early days of breastfeeding (seriously, I thought I was done with that). Cutting a tooth? An earache? A growth spurt? Fighting a mild bug? Maybe even a combination. But there is a reason and she's too young to try to make me miserable on purpose.

So my reluctant advice to myself and anyone else struggling with unexplained neediness of their baby (or even child) is that there is a good reason. And they'll eventually get over it. Right?