Book Review: Paper Towns

I read Paper Towns because I've read John Green before. I like picking up books without knowing what they're about. And I loved the cover. Even though some of his other books are set in Florida, I was surprised to find that this one is set in Orlando and included many places I'm familiar with.

On the surface it's typical John Green fare--geeky high school boy is in love with hot, slightly crazy girl who does off the wall things and thus drives normal boy crazy. But I liked how the book reflected on how we see each other, how we construct other people to be who we want them to be.

On a road trip the characters play a game where they look in the cars around them on the highway and make up stories about the people inside them. Then one of the character says that the stories they make up tell you more about the storyteller than about the person in the other car. How we see others reflects who we are.

It reminded me a little bit of my daughter asking me who my mom was. I told her it was her grandma--I thought she already knew that. But she persisted, "No. Who was your mom when you were a little girl?" Grandma was grandma to her. And she could see her as her mom's mom, but couldn't imagine that she had once been a mom of young kids.

I do recommend this book, but fair warning--it is like hanging out with teenage boys and thus there is some crude talk. This is also the second book I've read in just the past few weeks that is being turned into a movie without me knowing that when I started it. So if you're going to see the movie, definitely read the book first.

Book Review and Thoughts on Grief

Having a Kindle Paperwhite has allowed me to read many books in just the past month that I've been breastfeeding. It's a lot easier to hold than a print book, the baby is not distracted by the noise of turning pages, and I can easily read books at 3 a.m. without turning on any lights.

One book I recently read (and finished at 3 a.m. as often seems to be the case) is Wave by Sonali Deraniyagala. It is a memoir of a woman who lost her husband, both her sons, and her parents when the tsunami hit Sri Lanka where they were vacationing on December 26, 2004.

I vaguely remember hearing about this tsunami that killed more than 200,000 people across many countries in the Indian Ocean. But as sad as such a news story is, if it doesn't directly effect you, you quickly forget it. As Annie Dillard said, "It hurts more to break a leg."

Wave tells the story of what happened to her family, and of the grief that followed. She is brutally honest about her feelings and her actions in the years following her loss. She doesn't sugarcoat the crazy things she did or the angry thoughts she had about other people. And she addresses things that made her feel guilty--like the fact that she didn't grieve for her parents' loss for a few years because she was so caught up in grieving for her sons and her husband. Something that most people grieving for the death of a loved one don't have to deal with because we usually face them one at a time.

This book made me think about grief and how we all deal with it. A couple of weeks ago marked the 4th year anniversary of my father's death from lung cancer. Two days before that an old acquaintance who touched hundreds of lives died. One day before that my great-uncle died. It was a tough week.

But I have something that Deraniyagala doesn't seem to--a belief in God and faith that we will one day be reunited with our lost loved ones. Knowing that doesn't mean you don't miss them or think it's unfair that they are gone. But when Deraniyagala spoke of her lost family, she kept stating that they were gone and she had to remember that. No hopes or thoughts of a future reunion. No comfort in knowing her family is together. How terribly bleak death must be without that faith.

I do not mean this next comment to make light of what Deraniyagala went through, but her apparent wealth made the process of dealing with what her family left behind different than what my family experienced at my father's death. Just the fact that her family traveled back and forth between different countries often shows she had a lot more than most. And this fact made it so that she didn't return to her London home until almost four years after her family's death--and it was still her home. My family had to leave the home they shared with my father just weeks after he died. Meaning we, and especially my mother, had to deal with the material things left behind right away rather than waiting years. I can't even begin to say what might be better or worse. She also traveled to new places she'd never been with her family to deal with the emotions she faced at each of her children's birthdays.

Birthdays. My family and I try to take my dad's birthday as a time to celebrate his life and remember him. The family that lives close get together and have a dinner of his favorite things and talk about him. I only rarely think about how old my father would have been. I might reflect on it more on the years he would have been 60 or 70. But losing a child fills each passing birthday with thoughts of how old they would have been, how much they would have grown, and what they would have been doing if only they had lived. I cannot even imagine that pain--especially in losing all your children.

As sad as the story is, I highly recommend the book. It is a very human story and I enjoyed her writing. It's one of those rare occasions when something extraordinary happens to someone and their memoir doesn't need to include the name of the person who actually wrote it. Fair warning, she uses the F word about half a dozen times. I can't say I necessarily blame her based on what she was going through, but I know some people would like to avoid it in the books they read.

Book Review: Salt, Sugar, Fat

Salt, Sugar, Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us by Michael Moss

Let me sum up this book for you: processed food is bad for you.

Okay, so I already knew that. Most educated people know that. But it's a little more horrifying to hear how many teaspoons of sugar are in a bottle of soda. That's a measurement I can visualize rather than the grams that are on the label. (And yet, while I read the section on soda, I wanted nothing more than to go out and buy a root beer--maybe it's the pregnancy?)

Some shocking things about salt: many processed foods, even ones we don't think of as salty (like breakfast cereal) taste like cardboard, or worse, taste metallic, without salt. Is it really food if it needs salt to make it taste like food? Also, humans are not hardwired to like salt. Babies like sugar and sweet from day one. But a baby who eats only fruits and veggies will not like salty things as they grow older, whereas a baby who eats grocery store foods like its parents will start to like salt.

Some shocking things about sugar: Many breakfast cereals are 50% sugar (sometimes even more). Most people know that soda is bad for them, and as a nation our consumption of it has gone down. But our consumption of sports ades, juices, and vitamin waters have gone up--and those often have just as much sugar.

Some shocking things about fat: Like salt, it's often in things that don't taste fatty. It's not a taste, it's a mouthfeel thing. And because of this and other factors, we have no internal alarm that goes off when we eat too much fat like we do with sugar. And cheese, which is incredibly fatty, has been turned into an ingredient, rather than an indulgence that people have after a meal.

This book was interesting and horrifying and a little bit frustration-inducing. What is left but fresh fruits and veggies? What on earth can I feed my children? Without crackers and cereal, what would I feed my toddler after she's had an apple, a banana, and an orange and is still hungry?

And a realization: if I tried to make everything homemade, I would have time for nothing else. I made homemade bread while we lived an hour away from a store. But as soon as we were closer to a store, I haven't made a loaf of bread (even when we had our bread maker). Trying to get a homecooked meal on the table is often frustrating, let alone making my own ketchup. I know chicken nuggets aren't good for you, but they're an easy back up on busy nights. Or when we've run out of bread before I get to the store and we can't have sandwiches for lunch. And, no, I'm not going to make homemade chicken nuggets. If I have time for that, I'll make something better than chicken nuggets.

So I've decided not to beat myself up for the processed food we do eat. I would like to slowly find healthier alternatives to some of the processed foods we eat. But I'd have to spend all day in the store reading labels to replace everything at once. I also don't want to suddenly shock my family (and myself) with a bunch of healthy food that has no appeal. And as long as I'm on the road to doing better, it shouldn't matter at what point in the road I'm on compared to other people (just like anything else in life).

Book Review: The Ocean at the End of the Lane

"I'm going to tell you something important. Grown-ups don't look like grown-ups on the inside either. Outside, they're big and thoughtless and they don't always know what they're doing. Inside, they look just like they always have. Like they did when they were your age. The truth is, there aren't any grown-ups. Not one, in the whole wide world." -The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman

I love Neil Gaiman but have hesitated to read his adult books because his books for children that I have read (Coraline and The Graveyard Book) terrified me. In a thrilling sort of way. But I love his works. He is such a great storyteller I couldn't help but check out his newest fairy tale for adults, The Ocean at the End of the Lane. (And seriously, what an awesome title.)

It was interesting because it is written for adults but from the point of view of a young boy. And it was terrifying and beautiful and heartbreaking and intriguing. I would recommend it to anyone, but I know that not everyone would like it. If you know any of Neil Gaiman's other works and know what you're getting into, you should definitely read this book. I think I might read it again before I have to return it to the library because I'm certain I missed something, or many things, the first time.

"I remember my own childhood vividly...I knew terrible things. But I knew I mustn't let adults know I knew. It would scare them." - Maurice Sendak, in conversation with Art Spiegelman

What I've Been Reading, First Half of 2013

The first five months of this year, I finished four books. I was appalled when I realized that. I often stop reading for pleasure when I'm stressed, and this has certainly been a stressful year. Not reading is a sign that something is wrong and getting back into reading is part of the cure for me. In June and July, I have read 14 books. Here's some of what I've been reading lately.

The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien
I read the LOTR trilogy in college to coincide with the movie releases. I thought that I had skipped reading The Hobbit. But as I read, I remembered what happened and I had notes and creases all the way to the end of the book. So apparently I did read it. But had forgotten it enough to read it like it was new again.

Jessica Day George
I read three different books by her that were connected. And I read them out of order. My 12 year old niece had recommended them to me. I still love a good fairytale, especially with a bit of a twist here and there. And George delivered on this for me. They were also light, fun read that helped me get back into reading.

Hallucinations by Oliver Sacks
Really interesting nonfiction.

Inferno by Dan Brown
I find Dan Brown to be good escapist fiction, but with some added culture and history. I enjoyed the ride with this one, but I felt something was lacking in his conclusion. There were some major repercussions to his ending that weren't addressed at all.

Finding Alaska by John Greene
John Greene came highly recommended to me. I enjoyed this one and was told some of his others are even better, so they're on my library hold list.

Some contemporary fiction, all good:
The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes
The Butterfly Effect by Barbara Kingsolver
The Round House by Louise Erdrich

After four general fiction books with pretty serious topics addressed, I think I need a bit of fantasy or humor in my reading. I have the newest David Sedaris on the shelf. But I'm currently working through Joseph Anton by Salman Rushdie. One of the interesting things about reading a library book on my Kindle is that I have no idea how long the book is when I start it. Apparently this one is thick. I'm on my second check out and only half way through. I don't regret reading it though because of its importance in the history of writing, publishing, and free speech.

Read any good books lately?

Book Review: Bloom

After reading the introduction found through Pinterest, I read Kelle Hampton's Bloom: Finding Beauty in the Unexpected.

Kelle Hampton didn't find out that her second daughter had Down syndrome until she was born. A difficult diagnosis and adjustment even if you know ahead of time--all the more of a shock when you don't. This book is the emotional journey Hampton took the first year of her daughter's life.

There is a lot of merit to this book, and I do recommend it for some reasons. So first, let me get the stuff that bugged me off my chest. Hampton is blessed to have good family and many, many friends. At a party where she invites her closest girlfriends to, there are 28 women. I have good friends too. But I simply couldn't relate to feeling that close to that many people. I also couldn't relate to Hampton's ability to frequently go out for a girl's night on the town when she had a toddler and a baby at home. As someone who has never had a sip of alcohol, I found it strange how often Hampton drank to party or escape reality--especially since she was a nursing mother. And there were a few words that she simply couldn't leave alone. Badass was used far to often to be funny. And, I'm sorry, does everyone you know really call you "babe"? Maybe that's simply a lack of finesse with writing dialogue. Or maybe it's just my problem with being emotionally guarded when she clearly is not.

Even with my complaints about some writing style choices, I could tell she is someone I would read as a blogger, which is how she started. Her writing wouldn't bother me in little bites. And though I found her partying, gregariousness, and effusiveness hard to relate to, I'm sure for many people, these things would just make her book and message more accessible.

Her book would be best for other mothers or family members who have children with Down syndrome or other extra challenges. But the beauty of her book would be good for any mother--her honesty in her emotions. We hate to admit to any lack of loving feeling for our children. I fear an unplanned pregnancy because I never want to feel, even for a moment, that I didn't want a child coming to me. Hampton is honest about her feelings of wishing to have a "normal" child. She's honest about the gut wrenching pain and tears of the first night of her daughter's life. There is less guilt as we as mothers admit to imperfect feelings and actions. And Hampton works her way through it, which should offer a glimmer of hope for anyone struggling with a child.

"It is a rite of passage not just for special needs, but for motherhood--to worry, to cry, to go to the awful place of 'what would I do IF?' We ache when they ache, and we write with distress at the thought that they will, at some point in life, be hurt. And they will."

Interesting that I read this now as only a couple of weeks ago I had a discussion with a friend about childrens' personalities and challenges. Are we given the children we can handle, or the children we need to learn and grow?

Parenting Book Review: Bringing Up Bebe

Some parenting books I seek out, this one I saw on the shelf at the library and grabbed it on a whim. Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting by Pamela Druckerman is about an American journalist's experience as she raises her children in Paris. She notices some big differences between her children and the French children and seeks out why, often implementing what she learns. Though as her husband points out, she sometimes has to be careful to not be more French than the French.

Druckerman has a unique, if limited, point of view on parenting in the two countries. She often has a hard time pinpointing what makes French parenting different, and even the French parents she is close to often can't express what they do because it is so instinctual in their culture. Druckerman's own instincts have her parenting much like Americans do, but she is not in America and so her idea of what is going on here is also limited.

When she talked about American parenting, I could relate to much of it. However, she used the most extreme examples of what she read in magazines and what she saw on playgrounds in high end New York neighborhoods where the parenting she saw bordered on (and often crossed into) crazy. These extremes were illustrative, but sometimes I was annoyed that she felt she knew what was going on in American parenting when, 1) very few people are so extreme, and 2) there are obviously many different styles of parenting here even among the people I know personally, that I felt that the generalizations misrepresented us. There was one topic, and one line in particular in the book that actually offended me. But that requires a whole new posting.

There were some French ideas that I liked. French kids don't eat kid food--they eat food. They are expected to try everything (much like a "no thank you" bite that my in-laws and others I know have done here) and thus eventually acquire a taste for everything. French parents talk to their children like they are people (oh, wait--they are!) and can understand them from the very beginning, which I've always tried to do. Some ideas are too late for me (how they get their children to sleep through the night very young) and some are too far outside my culture (children as young four go away to camps for up to ten days).

The best idea I got from this book is the French idea that they are educating their children--teaching them rather than disciplining them:

“American parents like me often view imposing authority in terms of discipline and punishment. French parents don’t talk much about these things. Instead, they talk about the éducation of kids. As the word suggests, this is about gradually teaching children what’s acceptable and what’s not.

“This idea that you’re teaching, not policing, makes the tone a lot gentler in France. When Leo refuses to use his silverware at dinner, I try to imagine that I’m teaching him to use a fork, much like I’d teach him a letter of the alphabet. This makes it easier for me to be patient and calm. I no longer feel disrespected and angry when he doesn’t immediately comply. And with some of the stress off the situation, he’s more amiable about trying. I don’t yell, and dinner is more pleasant for everyone.”

The book was well written and engaging. It also gave me some things to think about. I'm going to try to think of parenting as teaching rather than disciplining. If nothing else, it might help me be more patient as Druckerman found.

Best Books

In another life and time I was an English major. I've been a big reader since I learned how to read. And though I don't have nearly as much time for it as I used to, reading is still a priority in my life. I don't often read the heavy literature of my college days anymore--I need escape more than intellectual stimulation (though I still need a bit of that too).

A friend recently asked for my top 25 book recommendations. I cheated a little because I listed only 20, but I counted series of books as one book. My personal list of best books is constantly in flux, but here it is. (I emphasized in American Lit in college, so it is better represented here than Brit Lit.)

1. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
A favorite since I was very young. Probably too young to be reading something so dark.

2. The Hunger Games Series by Suzanne Collins
A new favorite, but I was on the bandwagon from book one.

3. Matilda by Roald Dahl
As a bookish child, I naturally wanted to be Matilda. Though I didn't envy her parentage.

4. The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
This book took me months to get through, but the ending moved me emotionally like few books ever have.

5. Poems by Emily Dickinson
Not a book exactly, but she is my favorite poet. I started reading her when I was young because we shared a first name. In college, I read her complete poems every summer.

6. Pilgrim at Tinker Creek by Annie Dillard
Holy the Firm is actually my favorite Dillard book, but this one is much more accessible. Think Walden Pond.

7. As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner
I'm eventually going to read all of Faulkner's books. I got a good start by taking a Southern Gothic Lit class in college. He's amazing, but he's odd. He's definitely not for everyone.

8. Book of a Thousand Days by Shannon Hale
Modern fairytale telling at its best. Not her most popular book, but by far my favorite.

9. The Iliad and the Odyssey by Homer
I honestly enjoy reading these. Robert Fagles is my preferred translator.

10. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
If you haven't read it, read it now. And watch the movie. And read it again.

11. A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle
I can't explain my obsession with this book, but I've read it at least once a year for the past 20 years.

12. The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis
My copies of these books fell apart because I read them so much. I now have a pretty hard bound illustrated version. And I read them aloud to my children. I think it's time to start again.

13. Beauty by Robin McKinley
I love retellings of Beauty and the Beast. Her Rose Daughter is my favorite. But Beauty is more mainstream and you can read it with your daughters.

14. Short Stories of Flannery O’Connor
Another Southern Gothic and so not for everyone. If you took an American Lit class you probably read A Good Man is Hard to Find. 

15. A Single Shard by Linda Sue Park
I read all of the Newbery books. This is another one that the ending has stuck with me for years.

16. Housekeeping by Marilynne Robinson
If I had to pick one favorite novel (but please don't make me choose just one!), this would be it.

17. The Harry Potter Series by JK Rowling
I did not read these until this year. It was too popular for me to appreciate it right away. I actually liked reading them all one after another and was able to appreciate her storytelling abilities more than in the early days of the Potter craze.

18. Hamlet by William Shakespeare
Everyone should read some Shakespeare. And it's not original of me, but Hamlet is my favorite.

19. When You Reach Me by Rebecca Stead
Another Newbery winner whose ending stuck with me a long time.

20. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
Can you be an American without reading this book? If you only read it as assigned reading in high school, read it again. Twain is one of my favorite humorists.

What I'm Reading: Philippa Gregory

I just finished reading The Kingmaker's Daughter by Philippa Gregory. She has written many books, most of them are historical novels based on the lives of past British royalty. I've also read The Other Boleyn Girl (which was turned into movie) and The Lady of the Rivers.

Philippa Gregory is a historian and her books are well-researched. So they contain enough history to make me feel like I'm learning something. But they are entertaining enough to keep my tired mind's attention (unlike the history of Elizabeth I that I've been in the middle of reading for quite some time now). And they feature strong women, even if these women often find themselves powerless in a man's world. They make me grateful to live today and to know that my husband isn't considering getting rid of me because I've only given him daughters.

Book Review: Beyond the Sling

Beyond the Sling by Mayim Bialik, PhD

I got a lot out of this book even if I don't, and don't want to, adhere to all of its ideals. And that is Bialik's point. She offers up her point of view and experiences and allows readers to make their own choices and find what works for them.

Some of the chapters were so beyond anything I'd ever consider trying that I just ignored them. One topic that is beyond my scope of experience and that I'd like to look at further and probably incorporate to some degree is gentle discipline. I do not like how I feel and how I handle discipline issues with my daughter much of the time, and am looking for new ways of dealing with it, for my own sake if not for her.

I felt validated for my choices in the birthing and breastfeeding chapters, and I got a lot of reassurance from the chapters on baby wearing and the co-sleeping. (Though I never intended to co-sleep at all, I have found it has allowed me to get a lot more sleep than I did with my first daughter, and that is totally worth it. I am slowly working on getting my baby to sleep on her own. Bialik still co-sleeps with her kids, and though that would not be right for us, her views helped me to understand the benefits of the choices I have made and why I've made them. And helped me not feel like I'm doing something wrong since my baby is not sleep trained.)

Whether you subscribe to any of the ideals of attachment parenting or not, Bialik's point of view might make you take a look at your own parenting style and think about your choices conscientiously. And maybe give you some ideas of how to be a better parent and a more well rounded person.

"Being a present and devoted parent if more meaningful and important than anything in the world. ... Choosing to be involved with your children is a gift above gifts, and we all want our children to become adults who want to spend time with us, seek our advice, and respect us. We need to be there for them early on to have the best chance of this outcome."