Parenting Book Review: Bringing Up Bebe

Some parenting books I seek out, this one I saw on the shelf at the library and grabbed it on a whim. Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting by Pamela Druckerman is about an American journalist's experience as she raises her children in Paris. She notices some big differences between her children and the French children and seeks out why, often implementing what she learns. Though as her husband points out, she sometimes has to be careful to not be more French than the French.

Druckerman has a unique, if limited, point of view on parenting in the two countries. She often has a hard time pinpointing what makes French parenting different, and even the French parents she is close to often can't express what they do because it is so instinctual in their culture. Druckerman's own instincts have her parenting much like Americans do, but she is not in America and so her idea of what is going on here is also limited.

When she talked about American parenting, I could relate to much of it. However, she used the most extreme examples of what she read in magazines and what she saw on playgrounds in high end New York neighborhoods where the parenting she saw bordered on (and often crossed into) crazy. These extremes were illustrative, but sometimes I was annoyed that she felt she knew what was going on in American parenting when, 1) very few people are so extreme, and 2) there are obviously many different styles of parenting here even among the people I know personally, that I felt that the generalizations misrepresented us. There was one topic, and one line in particular in the book that actually offended me. But that requires a whole new posting.

There were some French ideas that I liked. French kids don't eat kid food--they eat food. They are expected to try everything (much like a "no thank you" bite that my in-laws and others I know have done here) and thus eventually acquire a taste for everything. French parents talk to their children like they are people (oh, wait--they are!) and can understand them from the very beginning, which I've always tried to do. Some ideas are too late for me (how they get their children to sleep through the night very young) and some are too far outside my culture (children as young four go away to camps for up to ten days).

The best idea I got from this book is the French idea that they are educating their children--teaching them rather than disciplining them:

“American parents like me often view imposing authority in terms of discipline and punishment. French parents don’t talk much about these things. Instead, they talk about the éducation of kids. As the word suggests, this is about gradually teaching children what’s acceptable and what’s not.

“This idea that you’re teaching, not policing, makes the tone a lot gentler in France. When Leo refuses to use his silverware at dinner, I try to imagine that I’m teaching him to use a fork, much like I’d teach him a letter of the alphabet. This makes it easier for me to be patient and calm. I no longer feel disrespected and angry when he doesn’t immediately comply. And with some of the stress off the situation, he’s more amiable about trying. I don’t yell, and dinner is more pleasant for everyone.”

The book was well written and engaging. It also gave me some things to think about. I'm going to try to think of parenting as teaching rather than disciplining. If nothing else, it might help me be more patient as Druckerman found.

A Sandwich

Today because I was exceptionally tired, I had a revelation. It's rare that good parenting ideas come out of exhaustion, but today one did.

My three-year-old wanted a sandwich for lunch. I told her, "I'm tired--why don't you make me a sandwich?"

She giggled, "No, Mom. You make me a sandwich."

"But I always make you a sandwich, it's your turn to make me one."

Okay, so I didn't make her start making my lunch. But I realized that she is fully capable of helping to make her own sandwich. She helps us bake and cook all the time. She can crack eggs on her own and only rarely gets any shell in the mix. She likes to help me pull off cilantro leaves when we're making salsa and helps with all sorts of dumping and stirring. Why not a simple sandwich?

I got out the ingredients, we pulled a stool up to the counter and she counted out two slices of bread. Then I opened the Vegannaise and let her dip in the knife and spread it on the bread. When she was done, I spread it a little more so she wouldn't have a glob in the middle (eww!). Then she put on the meat and cheese, put the two slices together, and (with help) cut it with her butterfly sandwich cutter.

Seriously, why haven't I had her help with such a simple task sooner? I know why. It's because the difference between her need for me to do everything for her and her ability to do it herself (or at least help) doesn't change overnight. My realization of her abilities comes slower than her abilities do.

I think that I help her be reasonably independent. She's been getting her own dishes out, clearing her own place, and putting her clean dishes away for a long time. She almost always dresses herself--with help when things are "outside in." She likes to brush her own teeth, though I insist on helping once a day so that I know they are actually getting reasonably clean. She's in charge of putting her folded clothes away (maybe she can start folding too, if I ever get around to folding clothes at a reasonable hour and not late at night when she's in bed). She also helps clean up toys all the time--sometimes happily and sometimes with many tears. 

What else can she do herself that I'm doing for her? Some of my discoveries are fun for her, like making her own sandwich. Others have started with a battle of wills over whether she can do it herself or not. But if she can truly do it herself and I don't give in, we only have to fight over it once and then she simply starts doing it on her own.

When my big girl was done eating her first self-made sandwich she wanted a cutie. I opened my mouth to say she'd have to wait because I was still eating. Instead I got a cutie out, started the peeling process and handed it over. At first she struggled--a little bit because she'd never done it before, but mostly to see if I'd just do it for her. I prompted her with a better method of peeling than she was trying and then went back to eating. Pretty soon, she was happily eating the little orange that she had peeled by herself.

My Struggle with Santa

I struggle with Santa. When I was a child, probably much younger than my parents would have liked, I set out to try to disprove Santa. As a skeptical and logical child, I knew that the myth of Santa Claus couldn’t be true, but I wanted my parents to admit it.

 Now I’m a parent. The first couple of years with a child in the house still didn’t need to involve Santa. Last year was a little different. We made cookies for Santa, but my daughter really didn’t get it.

This year she is a lot more aware. She sees Santa everywhere. I don’t like the idea of lying to her, no matter how magical and fun it might be for a few years. I also don’t want to squash any of that magic and fun for a three-year-old.

This I do know about Santa: Any discussion of Santa is going to include the original story of St. Nicholas and the spirit of Christmas and Santa Claus rather than a fat man who brings you presents because you’ve been good. Last year I saw a Veggie Tales movie called Saint Nicholas: The Story of Joyful Giving. I bought it this year and it’s going to be a regular part of our Christmas experience every year. It tells the story of the original Saint Nicholas and focuses on the joy of giving and serving others. But you may have gathered that from the title.

I also know that if my children ever question Santa, I’m not going to try to perpetuate the myth. No matter their age, if they have doubts in the fat man in a red suit, I’m not going to lie to them. In our house, Santa will be a symbol of giving. Which will involve us giving to those in need since we are so blessed (and when I was young, my family was often on the receiving end of that kind of giving). And the focus of Christmas will be on the birth of the Savior.

Here’s a blog post I’ve seen about what Santa means and how to explain it to your child once they do start wondering.

Truth About Santa

Gentler Discipline

Discipline is a sensitive topic. I've heard people from my parents' and my own generation take pride in the fact that they yell at, constantly put in time out, and even spank their kids.

I don't have the answers for everyone, but I do know that when I yell or react in anger, I don't feel good. Forget about whether or not it's effective, I feel like crap. I also know that Christ and church leaders that I admire would not advocate anything but gentleness, kindness, and love to our children. This doesn't mean no discipline.

I was talking with my sister last week (who is a model for patience and kindness in her parenting to me). After a long discussion, I had an epiphany. I talked about how my daughter completely shuts down when she hears loud noises. We were trying to get in the car while the neighbor was running a chain saw and she covered her ears and froze and couldn't follow simple directions to get in the car without help. So why do I think that yelling at her is going to be effective discipline? All I do is scare her and cause her to shut down.

Another common discipline method is the time out. We have used time out a lot. But I don't think it's been effective most of the time. My daughter is terrified of being left alone and abandoned. So why exactly are we leaving her alone in a corner for every little infraction? Even if she starts obeying, it's out of fear, not because she understands why she should or shouldn't do whatever she was sent in time out for. I am a fan of natural consequences. It takes more time and thought, but in the long run, I feel it is a lot more effective. And when she has to navigate this world as an adult, no one is going to send her to time out, but there will be plenty of natural consequences for her actions.

It will change with age and time, and may even be completely different for my second daughter, but right now this is what I'm trying to do with my firstborn.

- Instead of yelling, I get down to be level with her, hold onto the sides of her face, and calmly talk to her about her behavior. This always includes a why for the expected behavior, a consequence if the poor behavior continues, and an "I Love You" and a kiss on the head at the end. I noticed an immediate improvement when I started this.

- Yelling happens. But the only times that I feel it's okay is when she is doing something dangerous to her or others. There are times when I need to get her attention fast. But a calm explanation follows. (And since I've just started this, yelling happens at plenty of other times too, but I'm working on it.)

- Natural consequences are the most commonly used form of discipline. If she won't help clean up her toys, she won't get to play with those toys the next day. It's honestly hard to think of other examples off the top of my head because my daughter is usually a good girl. Another thing I need to remember.

- Time outs still happen. But usually only for blatant things like hitting. A time out can also be different for different kids. My mom used to send us to our room until she realized that we liked it. Then she started assigning extra chores instead. For kids who need to calm down more than anything, I've seen a time out held in a parent's lap. This wouldn't work for my daughter because as soon as she's in trouble, she wants to sit with me. A hug eventually comes, but a hug shouldn't be the first thing she gets after hitting her sister. That comes after a period of time spent sitting and then an apology to her sister. I also don't send her to her room or to a corner for time out. As I said before, I don't want to scare her. She sits on the cedar chest in the living room and waits for the timer to go off (3 minutes because she's 3) and then she can come talk about what she did.

- Another important thing for my daughter's personality is to not be disciplined in public. Public shaming is popular right now, and for some personalities might be appropriate. My daughter is a very private person like I am, so I understand her needs in this respect. She usually behaves very well in public, so that's not a huge issue. The issue comes when we are visiting or being visited by relatives. The solution to this is simple, we remove her from the main living space and take her into a bedroom to talk to her.

Here and here are two of many articles that have made me rethink my disciplining techniques and offer ideas for gentler discipline.

Any thoughts on disciplining children? What have you found that works? Does one size fit all in your family, or do you tailor it to the child?

It's Not a Question

With my first child I read loads of parenting books. What I learned is that there is no normal and the books often just made me feel as if I were always falling short. So I rarely read parenting books now--except maybe ones that validate the choices I've already made.

But during a recent wait at the doctor's office I read an article about mistakes that almost every parent makes. One tip in particular made sense to me. And I went home and forgot what it was until I made said mistake.

The mistake is to form requests as questions for your children. "Will you put your dishes away?" makes them think they have an option. Simply ditch the question mark and poise it as: "Put your dishes away, please." It will take the time to make the switch, but it's something I'm working on now.

I realized why I ask instead of tell. I would never tell my husband to do anything. I always poise it as a question: will you? can you? would you? But it's different with my kids. I do get to tell them what to do. With kindness, of course. But when I need them to do something, it's not optional. (My husband inherently knows that, my daughter does not.)

Another mistake parents make is to act as if small mishaps are a big deal. Which teaches your child to also freak out over small things. (Speaking of which, my daughter has now picked up the word "freaking" from me--which she uses when she's frustrated. Oh joy.) Definitely something I need to work on, but that's another very long story.

What simple "mistake" have you changed in your parenting that has made a difference in your daily life?

Book Review: Beyond the Sling

Beyond the Sling by Mayim Bialik, PhD

I got a lot out of this book even if I don't, and don't want to, adhere to all of its ideals. And that is Bialik's point. She offers up her point of view and experiences and allows readers to make their own choices and find what works for them.

Some of the chapters were so beyond anything I'd ever consider trying that I just ignored them. One topic that is beyond my scope of experience and that I'd like to look at further and probably incorporate to some degree is gentle discipline. I do not like how I feel and how I handle discipline issues with my daughter much of the time, and am looking for new ways of dealing with it, for my own sake if not for her.

I felt validated for my choices in the birthing and breastfeeding chapters, and I got a lot of reassurance from the chapters on baby wearing and the co-sleeping. (Though I never intended to co-sleep at all, I have found it has allowed me to get a lot more sleep than I did with my first daughter, and that is totally worth it. I am slowly working on getting my baby to sleep on her own. Bialik still co-sleeps with her kids, and though that would not be right for us, her views helped me to understand the benefits of the choices I have made and why I've made them. And helped me not feel like I'm doing something wrong since my baby is not sleep trained.)

Whether you subscribe to any of the ideals of attachment parenting or not, Bialik's point of view might make you take a look at your own parenting style and think about your choices conscientiously. And maybe give you some ideas of how to be a better parent and a more well rounded person.

"Being a present and devoted parent if more meaningful and important than anything in the world. ... Choosing to be involved with your children is a gift above gifts, and we all want our children to become adults who want to spend time with us, seek our advice, and respect us. We need to be there for them early on to have the best chance of this outcome."