Bittersweet

I've finished weaning my 19 month old. Finished meaning I gave her one last feeding on Sunday night. She has spent the last two days asking for milk, especially at bedtime. I wonder how long it will take her to forget.

There is certainly relief. Until I made her cut back she was still waking up to feed at least a few times a night. I felt like I still had a small baby instead of a toddler. I was sleep deprived and worn out and tired of having to breastfeed her everywhere I went. Not that I was unwilling to in almost any circumstance when necessary, but she just thought it was necessary far more often than I did. Now I can also wear what I want without having to worry about whether or not it's breastfeeding friendly. And I can take medications without worrying about if it will harm my baby.

But there is also sadness. I cried the last time I breastfed her, my baby. Very likely my last baby. With the sadness is some gratitude in realizing how blessed I am that I was able to breastfeed her for so long and to have that relationship with my youngest girl.

Breastfeeding in Public

With child #1, I went to great and stressful lengths to cover up while breastfeeding. It was hot and sweaty and awkward and I spent a lot of time breastfeeding in the car. With #2 I never once tried to use the nursing cover, rarely used a blanket, and though I did occasionally breastfeed her in the car, I also breastfed her while walking around the store just as often.

This was largely for convenience's sake, but in the back of my mind I also hoped that I might make a new mom more comfortable with breastfeeding whenever her baby needed it (and not when it was convenient for others) as mothers who breastfed more openly eventually helped me gain the confidence I have in breastfeeding in public.

I am slowly weaning my toddler (currently 19 months old). At this point I feel like I could breastfeed her longer if she were the occasional breastfeeder. But without me slowly cutting her off, she was still breastfeeding many times a day and often for long amounts of time. Some women can do that, I'm simply too tired to keep that up any longer.

I breastfed her at Disney World, both in public and in the mother's nursing room and had interesting experiences both times.

In public I had at least one person give me a few strange looks (I usually don't pay attention to people's reactions, but my husband noticed). I also had a woman walk by and lightly tap my knee and say, "High fives to you!" I've heard of people being praised for breastfeeding in public, but never experienced it myself. It felt pretty good. I don't know if I'd be as forward with a stranger, but I'll remember that and might consider giving some encouraging words to breastfeeding moms I see.

In the mother's room, I met another mother who was breastfeeding her 19 month old son who had no interest in weaning (much like my little peanut). And I met a first time mother who told me that she was so worried about how she was going to breastfeed her 10 month old during their day at Disney World. I mentioned that I had breastfed outside as well, but it was certainly nice to have a cool indoor room to go to. But I was a bit shocked (as she may have been by me). How do you decide to spend a day at Disney World with no plan for how to feed your baby?

This woman was Hispanic and was from a different culture (though I'm fairly certain she was American) and I had another opportunity to shock her when I stated that I was not likely to have any more children even though I had so far failed to give my husband a male heir. "No son! Really, no son?!" The black lady who was breastfeeding the 19 month old laughed at my joke about if my husband wanted more kids, he could do it himself. But the Hispanic lady was just appalled that I would have no sons and amazed that my husband could eventually come to terms with this.

***

I read a great article today about taking modesty out of the breastfeeding argument:
Breastfeeding and Modesty

Lost in Motherhood

A recent conversation made me remember my pre-children, even pre-marriage college days. Back when I was known as a femi-nazi (though you truly don’t have to be radical to be called that in a conservative religious town). When I got passionate about issues. When I dabbled in vegetarianism (aka, I didn’t like to cook meat). When I wrote poetry. When I didn’t wear a bra for about six years (pregnancy put a damper on that at the time and breastfeeding has put a damper on it forever). I was, in small ways, my generation’s version of a hippie.

For a moment, I wondered what had happened to my past self. Where did she go? Did she, as I had feared, get swallowed up in the role of wife and mother? My sister reassured me that I won’t feel it as much once my children are older and no longer need so much of my time. But I also realized that the hippie college student has simply morphed into the hippie momma.

I had a natural waterbirth at home. I’m breastfeeding my toddler. My baby wears an amber teething necklace that absorbs into the skin and aids in pain relief (it always sounds weird when I explain it out loud, but I swear it’s helped her). I use cloth diapers. I co-sleep and wear my baby in a sling. I made homemade baby food. Neither of my children ever took a bottle or a pacifier (I am lucky in that I have not had to leave them to work much since I had them). A fun family weekend activity involves going to the Farmer’s Market. I blog.

I did not lose myself. I transformed into myself as a mom (with a little bit of my mom thrown in—this morning I watched The Price is Right with my daughter and sealed the deal on that one). I wish I had more time and energy for me. I wish I could do Yoga without a child climbing on my head. I wish I still wrote creative works that could be rejected by every journal I sent it in to. Right now I feel lucky if I get to shower every day. But my life will not always be like this and when the time comes, maybe I can rediscover some of my old self. Just with less anger, less bad poetry, and a lot more cleavage support.

Breastfeeding Beyond

My little shadow imitating me by breastfeeding her baby.

At my daughter's 15 month well-child check up, the nurse went through her list of questions.

Does she drink whole milk?
I offer her milk every day, but she refuses it.
Do you give her vitamins?
No.
She shoots me a slightly panicked sideways look.
But she is still breastfeeding.
A sigh of relief.

The interesting thing to me was that whether or not I still breastfed was not on her list of questions. At 12 months it was--and I was supposed to know how many times a day and for how long. Um, however much she needs to. Up to 12 months, we're supposed to give babies either breastmilk or formula. And then the cow's milk can replace those two things after that.

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that they didn't ask. Here's a look at the breastfeeding numbers in America according to the CDC:

76.9% of mothers try to breastfeed
47.2% are still breastfeeding when the baby is six months
25.5% are still breastfeeding at one year

They don't even have a number for those who breastfeed beyond 12 months. Though the WHO recommends breastfeeding until age two, the American Academy of Pediatrics only recommends it till 12 months. And after that American moms are on their own to decide. No one asks if you do because they assume you don't. Until you breastfeed your toddler in a public place.

I did not plan on breastfeeding my daughter for so long. I weaned my first at just over one year old. And I've considered weaning my second. The real difference may have something to do with personality and definitely has something to do with the seasons. Number one turned one at the beginning of summer and was healthy for the couple of weeks I worked on weaning her. Number two turned one at the beginning of winter and has come down with an ear infection or cold or something every time I start to wean.

But since she refuses to drink cow's milk, my continued breastfeeding reassured her nurse and doctor. And her petite size might make it so fewer people look twice at a child that age breastfeeding (just at the fact that you're breastfeeding in public). Until she sits up and signs and says, "all done."

"We all know that our breastfeeding 'number' is a concrete way to compete with one another. A mother's score is reduced if she mixes in formula, relies too heavily on a breast-milk pump, or actually breast-feeds for too long (at which point she starts to seem like a crazed hippie)." - Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman

There's Always a Reason

I've made plenty of mistakes as a mom. And I hesitate to give advice because of those mistakes, and because I've received so much unwanted advice as a mother of young children (I first typed "young mother," but that brings to mind someone much younger than myself). But there is at least one thing I've learned about babies: there's always a reason.

If your normally happy baby is screaming, there's a reason (and it's not because she's trying to ruin your day or your sleep). You might not know that reason at the time, but I've almost always later discovered what was upsetting a baby or changing her schedule or any other unexpected and unexplained thing that babies do.

I do have to remind myself of this from time to time. Like when my one year old (who I was about to try to wean) suddenly starts waking up every hour or two to feed at night again. Or she is so needy and demanding  to breastfeed so often during the day that my corresponding soreness if reminiscent of the early days of breastfeeding (seriously, I thought I was done with that). Cutting a tooth? An earache? A growth spurt? Fighting a mild bug? Maybe even a combination. But there is a reason and she's too young to try to make me miserable on purpose.

So my reluctant advice to myself and anyone else struggling with unexplained neediness of their baby (or even child) is that there is a good reason. And they'll eventually get over it. Right?

Unexpected Breastfeeding Benefit

We all know that there are benefits to breastfeeding. The most important to me have been cost, convenience, and the relationship it has fostered with me and my babies.

Health is certainly a factor. No formula can replace breastmilk. But a benefit I didn't encounter with my first has just come up with my second.

Last week while out of town for Thanksgiving, pretty much everyone we knew got a nasty stomach bug. People had vomiting, diarrhea, fevers, or all three. I hoped my 11 month old would be spared. She wasn't, but she did not seem as sick as many others. She threw up twice--but only when she ate solid food. She has kept breastmilk down 100% of the time.

So I've kept her on only breastmilk for the last 24 hours. She hasn't thrown up again and has received plenty of nourishment and hydration.

Two weeks ago I was seriously considering weaning because she was biting me so hard, now I'm glad I didn't. Plus in that time she learned the sign for milk and has never bitten me when she requests it so obviously with sign language.

Happy World Breastfeeding Week!

Though it was a struggle in the first days and weeks, I have been blessed to be able to breastfeed both my daughters. I breastfed my first daughter till she was a little over one year, and at seven months, my second daughter is still going strong.

Occasionally I've wished that someone else could take a turn and feed my babies, but for the most part I've appreciated the convenience, affordability, and closeness that breastfeeding brings.

Breastfeeding appears to just involve me and the baby, but I wouldn't be able to successfully breastfeed my babies without the support of my husband. And I know that I was heavily influenced by the examples of my mother and older sister. Thank you!

And a couple of links from around the web this week:

Reasons to Breastfeed in Public

Breastfeeding is Beautiful (Pinterest Images)

Breastfeeding Facebook Page

The Nursing Moms Project

Book Review: Beyond the Sling

Beyond the Sling by Mayim Bialik, PhD

I got a lot out of this book even if I don't, and don't want to, adhere to all of its ideals. And that is Bialik's point. She offers up her point of view and experiences and allows readers to make their own choices and find what works for them.

Some of the chapters were so beyond anything I'd ever consider trying that I just ignored them. One topic that is beyond my scope of experience and that I'd like to look at further and probably incorporate to some degree is gentle discipline. I do not like how I feel and how I handle discipline issues with my daughter much of the time, and am looking for new ways of dealing with it, for my own sake if not for her.

I felt validated for my choices in the birthing and breastfeeding chapters, and I got a lot of reassurance from the chapters on baby wearing and the co-sleeping. (Though I never intended to co-sleep at all, I have found it has allowed me to get a lot more sleep than I did with my first daughter, and that is totally worth it. I am slowly working on getting my baby to sleep on her own. Bialik still co-sleeps with her kids, and though that would not be right for us, her views helped me to understand the benefits of the choices I have made and why I've made them. And helped me not feel like I'm doing something wrong since my baby is not sleep trained.)

Whether you subscribe to any of the ideals of attachment parenting or not, Bialik's point of view might make you take a look at your own parenting style and think about your choices conscientiously. And maybe give you some ideas of how to be a better parent and a more well rounded person.

"Being a present and devoted parent if more meaningful and important than anything in the world. ... Choosing to be involved with your children is a gift above gifts, and we all want our children to become adults who want to spend time with us, seek our advice, and respect us. We need to be there for them early on to have the best chance of this outcome."

Recipe: Granola

Babies are needy. Breastfeeding babies breastfeed all the time, or at least it feels like it. And when I’m breastfeeding, I get sick if I don’t eat enough. Energy is going out, so energy needs to go in. When I wake up, my baby needs to eat and I need to eat. I wish I’d done it with my first, but with my second daughter, I started making homemade granola. I tried a couple of recipes and tweaked them a bit. Now I make it once or twice a month and have something I can grab and eat with one hand if my baby needs a big breakfast before I have a chance to sit down and have my own.

The easiest thing to change is what fruit, nuts, or chocolate you add in. I’ve seen other granola recipes that use oil, which sounds kind of yucky to me. Using applesauce as a binder is healthier and sweeter. Here’s my base recipe:

Granola

Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

Combine in large bowl:
 4 c. oats (not quick oats)
 1 c. sliced or slivered almonds
 3/4 tsp. cinnamon
 1/2 tsp. ground ginger
 1/4 tsp. salt

Whisk together:
 1/2 c. brown sugar
1/2 c. unsweetened applesauce
1/4 c. honey

Drizzle wet ingredients over dry and mix until all the oats are moistened. Spread on prepared baking sheet and bake for 20 minutes. Turn granola over with a spatula and bake for another 8 – 10 minutes, until crisp and golden. Cool completely on baking sheet. Break up into pieces and add in dried fruit (I do craisins) and some extra dark chocolate pieces.

Variations: Sub out applesauce for pumpkin puree and/or honey for pure maple syrup (not pancake syrup!) for fall flavors. I recently did it with maple syrup and it added a lot of flavor. You could probably add a pinch or two of nutmeg if you’re using pumpkin puree.