Mother's Day

I know that Mother's Day can be a sensitive time for some people. Women who want to be mothers but can't be. Children, no matter their age, who have lost their mother or whose mothers are not part of their life for whatever reason. Mothers who feel guilty for not being as good a mother as they wanted to be.

Not everyone who wants to be a mother can be. And not everyone has the kind of relationship they want to have with their mother. But I do believe that Mother's Day can be a celebration of all women. A mother is someone who loves, cares for, and nurtures. And though my own mother takes the top spot, many other women have loved, cared for, and nurtured me through the years.

My mother bore me, raised me, taught me, and has always loved me no matter what.

Many of my aunts have given me that extra long hug when I needed it and been there for me to talk to through my childhood and my adulthood.

My sisters have listened to me and helped me through the experience of being a mother myself. I can't imagine that journey without them.

My good friends have been listened to me, laughed and cried with me, and watched out for me for many years.

My husband's mother and grandmothers have been amazing grandmothers to my children.

And for that mom guilt, this is my favorite quote about motherhood.

"There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. ... What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply." - M. Russell Ballard

Mother's Day and Mom Guilt

Mother's Day is supposed to be a day about celebrating moms. Somehow it's become more complicated than that.

A single mom I know just expressed bitterness about Mother's Day on Facebook (calling it just a reminder that no one appreciates what she does or goes through).

There are women who want to be mother's but aren't yet (because they're single or because of fertility issues). And though I've never experienced it, I can't imagine that "all women are mothers" can completely soothe that pain.

There are people who have lost their mothers. Father's Day is hard for me because I've lost my father--I try to focus on my husband as the father of my children, but the day is always tinged with sadness for me because my father is gone.

There are people with absentee mothers or who simply don't like their mothers (warranted or not).

And then there are mothers who don't like Mother's Day because they don't feel like they are or were good moms and it makes them feel guilty.

As long as there are mothers, there has been and will be mom guilt. It might be more exaggerated now. We don't just compare ourselves to the seemingly perfect moms in our neighborhoods, but we can now compare ourselves to the Pinterest perfect mom ideas and the carefully chosen pictures on blogs and Facebook. We can never live up to the ideals presented on the internet--and neither do the people who share them.

I love this post from one of my favorite blogs: Our Best Bites: A Few Thoughts Before Mother's Day. They address both comparing ourselves to the stuff we see on the internet (and show some truths of things that happen in their own homes) and their own relationships with their mother's (that were less than ideal).

Besides not nearly living up to the internet ideal of motherhood, I pretty much never live up to my own idea of the kind of mother I'd like to be. Sometimes I have a breakdown and feel like an awful mother. But I always try to pick myself back up the next day and do a little better. Without goals, I'd never do better. But I try to first be realistic (spending our summer with a newborn is going to pretty much equal the lamest summer ever, and I've tried to come to terms with that). And then I try to not feel guilty when I don't meet my feeble goals. It doesn't make me feel any better and it certainly doesn't make me a better mom.

In celebrating Mother's Day in our house, I think of it as a mom's day off. As much as it can be with small children who still need a lot from their mom. I don't cook or do the dishes. And I've learned to choose meals that I don't feel like I have to step in and help with.

Here's hoping that moms and those who wish they could be moms can find some peace this Mother's Day.

And a couple more blog posts I've appreciated about combating mom guilt:

How Does She: 6 Tips on Doing Away with "Mom Guilt"

Daring Young Mom: Drops of Awesome

The Best Feeling

Weaning makes me a little sad. Less opportunity for snuggles with an active baby or toddler. But after weaning, and after a full month spent asking for milk, my toddler now buries her face in my neck and wraps her arms around me when she needs comfort. It's a safe place for her and a pretty awesome feeling for her mama. I'm trying to soak it up every time because this stage won't last forever either.

(Photo taken by my sister-in-law after a day on the beach.)

Lost in Motherhood

A recent conversation made me remember my pre-children, even pre-marriage college days. Back when I was known as a femi-nazi (though you truly don’t have to be radical to be called that in a conservative religious town). When I got passionate about issues. When I dabbled in vegetarianism (aka, I didn’t like to cook meat). When I wrote poetry. When I didn’t wear a bra for about six years (pregnancy put a damper on that at the time and breastfeeding has put a damper on it forever). I was, in small ways, my generation’s version of a hippie.

For a moment, I wondered what had happened to my past self. Where did she go? Did she, as I had feared, get swallowed up in the role of wife and mother? My sister reassured me that I won’t feel it as much once my children are older and no longer need so much of my time. But I also realized that the hippie college student has simply morphed into the hippie momma.

I had a natural waterbirth at home. I’m breastfeeding my toddler. My baby wears an amber teething necklace that absorbs into the skin and aids in pain relief (it always sounds weird when I explain it out loud, but I swear it’s helped her). I use cloth diapers. I co-sleep and wear my baby in a sling. I made homemade baby food. Neither of my children ever took a bottle or a pacifier (I am lucky in that I have not had to leave them to work much since I had them). A fun family weekend activity involves going to the Farmer’s Market. I blog.

I did not lose myself. I transformed into myself as a mom (with a little bit of my mom thrown in—this morning I watched The Price is Right with my daughter and sealed the deal on that one). I wish I had more time and energy for me. I wish I could do Yoga without a child climbing on my head. I wish I still wrote creative works that could be rejected by every journal I sent it in to. Right now I feel lucky if I get to shower every day. But my life will not always be like this and when the time comes, maybe I can rediscover some of my old self. Just with less anger, less bad poetry, and a lot more cleavage support.

Stability

My Girls with their Daddy. Pic taken by Grandma at Grandma's house.

Our family just enjoyed a short trip to see extended family. And it was one of the last times our little family will be together for a while. Daddy flew out for a conference the day after we got home from our trip. He'll be home this weekend, and then he'll be gone for a month. Then home for two days. Then gone for a month. And so on until we move across the country to Florida.

Moving is rough on kids, no matter their age. My oldest was 18 months when we moved into a new house and she spent the first few weeks afraid because she didn't know where to find me in the house if I was around the corner. The house was too big and too unfamiliar. As they get older, all the other familiar, routine things in their life are disrupted with a move. I'm pretty sure my daughter could give you directions on how to get to various stores and church from our house. She has friends here she's comfortable with and she knows her teachers and classmates at church. When we move, we'll leave all that behind and everything and everyone will be strange to her. My youngest will be almost 18 months and because of my experience with my first, I know that she will notice the differences. She couldn't crawl yet when we moved here, so this is the only house she has explored. Not to mention kids picking up on the stress that parents feel during the move.

It's not like our life is exactly stable up until we move. Daddy is usually gone and won't be home long enough to adjust to him being back home before he leaves again. Even before the packers come, I am going through our stuff and getting rid of lots of it.

As I contemplated the coming months, I struggled with the thought that nothing in my girls' life will be stable and steadfast. Kids need routine and familiarity--they need something certain, something they can always count on to be there. And then I realized that they do have that--it's me, their mother. Daddy leaves, but Mommy stays. We'll be in a new state and a new house, but Mommy will be there with them. Which made me realize even more the importance of me staying centered and sane and calm for them. Any ideas on how to do that? My world is being turned upside down too.

Domestic Executive

Last night we had some young men over for dinner. They're around twenty years old and my husband asked what their plans for life are. One was unsure and seemed distressed that he didn't know yet what he wanted to do "when he grew up." I said that I still didn't know what I wanted to do.

Both immediately responded with, "Stay at home mom." Then repeated other titles for the same idea: homemaker, domestic executive. My only response to them is that someday my children will be in school and I will have more time on my hands.

The majority of the time I really am at peace with being a stay at home mom. When I see other women having to leave their babies to go back to work, I'm incredibly grateful that I get to stay with mine (even if I desperately need a break from them, I only want a break of a couple of hours). But it surprised me and even made me a little sad that these young men thought that stay at home mom was not only my current status, but would be forever. It made me wonder what their mothers did, or what they thought their mothers would do, when all their children were grown and gone.

In five years my baby will be in school. I don't plan on immediately (or even ever) working full time. I know raising them won't be over, and a mother's job isn't even over when her children have left the home. I'm excited to be involved in their schooling. I want to volunteer in their classrooms and go on field trips with them. They'll still need mothering and raising for many years to come. But in a few short years, they will need significantly less of my time than they do now. And I hope that my house will be cleaner and I'll get to read more books, but eventually I'll want to do something more.

So no, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Right now I'm a stay at home mom. But like many people, my career both in the home and out will evolve and change with time.

Question of the Day: Motherhood

Someone asked me this question yesterday:

Is motherhood everything you expected it to be?

Which made me realize that either I didn't know what I expected it to be, or I forget what my expectations were.

I know I didn't expect to be a full time stay at home mom. With all my education and work toward getting a job, I thought I'd be working at least part time. But now that I'm in the midst of it, I'm incredibly grateful that I do not have to work and get to spend my days with my children, at least while they are small.

I don't know what I expected, but I never knew that my house would be so messy so much of the time. With kids this small, the clutter and the laundry simply never ends.

I couldn't have imagined how tired I'd be much of the time because staying up late to have fun with friends and roommates, or even to finish an assignment, doesn't even begin to introduce a body to the kind of exhaustion that comes with being woken up at night to take care of a baby.

I also couldn't imagine the intensity of my love for my children, or the amount of worrying I would do.

Motherhood is more exhausting, joyous, stressful, and amazing than I ever could have expected. You simply can't know until you do it.

What did you expect motherhood to be?

#2

With baby #1 I was completely neurotic. I read every book and article and knew exactly what she should be doing at every stage. I worried that I was doing something wrong if she wasn't sleeping through the night by such and such an age. I was meticulous about introducing solids and always knew what she was allowed to eat and when.

With baby #2, I'm only slightly neurotic. (I still occasionally check to make sure she's still breathing while she sleeps, but not as much as I did with #1.) I have no idea what the books say she should be doing. Sometimes I look in #1's scrapbook to compare when they got their first tooth or started sitting up, but as a point of interest, not because I'm worried that #2 isn't on track. I don't worry about what the books say she should be doing and adapt my mothering to what works for her and keeps me the most sane.

I've still tried to be careful about introducing new foods because food allergies run in the family. She had a reaction to cantaloupe and so I won't be giving it to her again till it's in season again (I'm trying to move our family toward eating seasonally, but that's another story).

But with #2, even the best of intentions are sometimes altered by #1. There are a few things I don't want my baby to eat until she's one year old. Cow's milk, honey, and chocolate. The other day #2 (who isn't quite 10 months old) was crying while I changed the laundry. Suddenly, she was happy without me having to intervene. The reason: #1 was sharing her honey graham crackers and milk. And in keeping with my more relaxed attitude, I just said oh well and asked #1 not to share those things again. But she probably will. And the baby will survive. Plus I think it's more important that my daughters learn to share and play together nicely.

Reminder to Myself

The next time I spend a few days extremely tired and wondering if I'm coming down with something: slow down. Take a nap, stop trying to get a bunch of stuff done and go a million places. Because you are probably right and you will get sick. 

And then you will have to spend a few days in an incredibly messy house and not able to do anything beyond getting your girl crackers and changing your baby's diaper. (And to be honest, one of those days was spent crying every time I had to get up to do those simple things, partly due to the high fever I had and partly due to the fact that I stepped on Legos every time I got up.) 

There ought to be a rule that moms of young kids cannot get sick, but we get sick anyway. So take care of yourself so that you can keep taking care of others.

P.S. My husband stayed home today and with his help I was able to rest more and definitely feel like I'm on the mend now. I also drank a ton of warm wassail which felt amazing on my throat even if it did seem incongruous with the 80 degree day we had yesterday.

A Clean House

My house is rarely clean. I usually have dirty dishes in the sink, unfolded laundry in the dryer (or worse, on the couch), piles of books we've read that haven't made it back to the shelf, and toys all over the floor. I do currently keep my floors swept and vacuumed pretty well, but only because my baby puts everything she can find in her mouth.

I do make an effort to clean before people come over--at least to clear a path so they don't trip on the toys. I remember once having my husband's grandparents over. The house started clean, but slowly the living room became a huge mess as my daughter brought in toy after toy. The mess made me a little anxious, but I let it be. Later my husband told me that his grandpa had said that I was a good mother because I let my daughter play and have fun without worrying about the mess. (Little did he know that I did worry, but I guess since I let it be anyway, I'll take the compliment.)

I always know in my mind that spending time with my children is more important than a clean house. Sometimes the mess gets too much and I tell my husband that we have to clean or I'll go nuts. He tells me it's okay, but there is a point when the house is so messy that it is no longer a nice place to be or the play room is so cluttered we can't even get in it to play. Today's post on Styleberry Blog (link below) reminded me that spending time with my children is more important than having a spotless house. Next time I'm trying to clean and my daughter asks to play a game with me, I'll stop cleaning and play with her.

Styleberry: You'll never regret picking the kids.

Book Review: Beyond the Sling

Beyond the Sling by Mayim Bialik, PhD

I got a lot out of this book even if I don't, and don't want to, adhere to all of its ideals. And that is Bialik's point. She offers up her point of view and experiences and allows readers to make their own choices and find what works for them.

Some of the chapters were so beyond anything I'd ever consider trying that I just ignored them. One topic that is beyond my scope of experience and that I'd like to look at further and probably incorporate to some degree is gentle discipline. I do not like how I feel and how I handle discipline issues with my daughter much of the time, and am looking for new ways of dealing with it, for my own sake if not for her.

I felt validated for my choices in the birthing and breastfeeding chapters, and I got a lot of reassurance from the chapters on baby wearing and the co-sleeping. (Though I never intended to co-sleep at all, I have found it has allowed me to get a lot more sleep than I did with my first daughter, and that is totally worth it. I am slowly working on getting my baby to sleep on her own. Bialik still co-sleeps with her kids, and though that would not be right for us, her views helped me to understand the benefits of the choices I have made and why I've made them. And helped me not feel like I'm doing something wrong since my baby is not sleep trained.)

Whether you subscribe to any of the ideals of attachment parenting or not, Bialik's point of view might make you take a look at your own parenting style and think about your choices conscientiously. And maybe give you some ideas of how to be a better parent and a more well rounded person.

"Being a present and devoted parent if more meaningful and important than anything in the world. ... Choosing to be involved with your children is a gift above gifts, and we all want our children to become adults who want to spend time with us, seek our advice, and respect us. We need to be there for them early on to have the best chance of this outcome."

Caution Signs

I know all mothers worry about their children’s safety, but I have a feeling that I’m a little bit neurotic about it. When my children are babies, I have to check on them to make sure they are still breathing in the night. And even my timid first child (who is now three) is always ready to venture out and try new things before I’m ready for her to.

We’re in a new town and a kind woman invited me and some other mothers with young children to meet at a park so I could meet some new people and get out of the house. The park has a walking path that runs along a ditch/irrigation canal thing that has a long steep slope and may or may not have water in it, depending on the time of year.

When I go to this playground alone, my daughter happily plays on the slide the whole time. But when other kids were playing they were all playing around the ditch—picking cattails and climbing up and down the steep slope. While I should have been trying to get to know some other mothers, I was really holding my breath and keeping my eye on my daughter who kept venturing farther from me and closer to the ditch. The far end of the ditch had large bushes which my daughter eventually disappeared behind.

I left the group of mothers, found my daughter, and told her not to go near the ditch or out of my sight. Sounds reasonable to me. But the other mothers were letting their children climb around the ditch and play where they couldn’t be seen. Some of the other children were much older, and those that weren’t had older siblings who were (maybe?) watching out for them.

I felt bad for taking her away from the fun the other kids were having (though soon after she came back to the slide, the rest of the kids joined in). But I let her run through the sprinklers and jump in the mud puddles. I let her slide down the slide with five other kids getting all smashed up in front of and behind her.

Were the other moms more laid back because they’ve been moms longer? Was I being overprotective? Will I relax as my daughter gets older? Or am I just neurotic?

Even if I am deemed overprotective, I may not change. I try to stretch outside my comfort zone in my own life and with my children, but I’m not going to venture into territory where I simply don’t feel good about something. And I always have my husband to tell me to relax and let kids be kids.