Baby #3 Birth Story

The birth of my third baby is the reason for my long absence here. As I've said in the past baby #1 was an in hospital birth with an epidural. Baby #2 was a home waterbirth. With baby #3, I was lucky enough to live in a place that offered every option for birthing that I could hope for. (Florida is not a good place for a VBAC though. But that wasn't something I needed to worry about.) I chose another home waterbirth. Here's the short version of birth #3.

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I had a midwife appointment at 40 weeks and 4 days. I had been losing my mucus plug for a few days and had been having harder contractions on and off, though they never lasted for more than an hour or two. When the midwife checked me for progress, I was dilated to a little more than a 3. Since I was past my due date, she offered to strip my membranes if I wanted. That is supposed to help get labor going in a few days if you’re close anyway. I felt I really was close to labor this time. After she stripped the membranes, I was dilated to 4 cm. 

At 4:00 p.m. I started having contractions that slowly built in frequency and intensity—until about 9:00 at night. Then they slowed down. I went to bed at 10:00 knowing that if real labor was going to happen, it would happen even if I was sleeping. I was woken up with a few sharp contractions, but fell asleep after them. At 1:00 a.m. they were frequent and strong enough that I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I got up and walked around and bounced on the birth ball. I woke my husband up a little after 3:00 and had him stay up with me and watch the contraction tracker. He was worried about calling the midwife too early (a mistake we made in the past), but I was ready. He called her a little after 4:30 and she headed here.

I got into the bathtub to help me relax through the contractions as they were getting much more intense. I was handling my contractions better than my past labors. The key for me this time was using the time between contractions to relax and enjoy the break instead of spending the time between contractions being tense and fearing the next contraction. This worked so well, especially early on that when the midwife got here (a little after 5:00 a.m.) my blood pressure and pulse were really low and made it seem as if I were relaxed instead of in labor. When the midwife first checked my progress, I was hoping to be dilated to a 6 (that’s a number that indicates real labor—you can walk around for days at a 3 or a 4). I was an 8!

I definitely wanted to labor and birth in the birthtub and since contractions were getting more difficult, I was hoping to get in soon. But the midwife said his head was a little to one side and it would help if I labored while lying on the opposite side for a while. So I did. It was nice to labor in a resting position, but hard to do it without warm water or movement to help. Eventually I moved to the birth tub. 

I’m not sure of the timeline from that point. But the contractions continued to get harder to get through, though I kept telling myself that they were good because each one got me closer to baby. 

I remember being tired and wanting a nap (I’d been awake since 1 a.m. after all). I asked the midwife how much longer it would be so she checked me and said I was dilated enough, but that the amniotic sac hadn’t broken yet. It was bulging with his head right behind it so she asked if I wanted her to break it and speed things up or if I wanted to try some pushes during contractions to see if I could get it to break. I pushed through three contractions. When the midwife checked, my water still hadn’t broken, so she broke it for me. Thankfully, it was bulging enough that she could do it between contractions instead of during one.

Things definitely sped up after that. I can’t remember if I threw up before or after she broke my water. But I knew it was a good sign when I did throw up because I had thrown up during transition with both my girls, so I was kind of waiting for it. I was upset that I did it during a contraction though—it just seemed unfair to have to deal with both. And not really possible to relax through a contraction while you’re throwing up bile.

I moved into a kneeling position with my husband kneeling outside the tub to support me. I won’t sugarcoat it—pushing a baby out without any pain relief is excruciating. I did notice with some curiosity that once the burning pain of the head crowning begins, the band of pain around my lower abdomen (which is where the pain of most my contractions are felt) was gone. Just replaced by the horrible burning sting that they call the ring of fire. My legs also felt like they were burning.

So why would I choose to give birth without pain relief? Without getting into benefits vs. risks of medical intervention, I have two main reasons. 1) With my first I couldn’t feel what was going on—which meant I couldn’t work with my body to push the baby out. Feeling pain meant I could also feel what I needed to do and when my body needed to push. 2) Relief and happy hormones come once you push a baby out without pain medication. When I couldn’t feel pain, I couldn’t feel any of the good hormones either. I still felt numb, both emotionally and physically, after my medicated birth.

I remember them telling me to try to relax in between contractions. But here’s the thing for me with pushing—there is no in between. There are waves of more and less pain, but they crash into each other relentlessly without giving you a break. The only way they end is to get the baby out. Which was motivation for me. Since I was more in control this time around, I was able to actually bear down and push with my body. I also had a chance to reach down and feel his head when it was partially out, which helped me realize how close I was to being done.

His head was out but his shoulders were stuck so the midwife told me to put one of my legs up. In the moment I couldn’t comprehend what that meant so she grabbed my leg and set my foot down so I was only on one knee to try to open my hips and help him out. This didn’t work so she told me I needed to lay back. I understood what that meant, but couldn’t comprehend how I could possibly change position in the moment. Somehow they moved me so my other leg was up and I was laying back. As I pushed I felt a definite tug as the midwife pulled and helped me get his shoulders through. The cord was wrapped around his neck a few times so it took a moment before he could be brought up to my chest.

When he was brought up, he was blue. Which is scary, but I could feel his heart beating and I knew it was common for babies to need help getting that first breath. The midwife and I rubbed him for a bit, then she took him and laid him face down while she rubbed his back. That still didn’t work so she got the bag and mask and gave him a few pumps of air. She asked the assistant what time he had been born and realized that only two minutes had passed even though it seems like an eternity when your baby’s not breathing. After the bag and mask he started coughing stuff up and breathing.

I held him and the family gathered around to see him. The placenta came out soon after and a little while later, Daddy cut the cord and baby got out of the water. Daddy and big sisters cuddled the baby in bed while the midwife and her assistant helped me out of the birth tub and to the bedroom. I had only a superficial tear and I was allowed to decide whether I wanted stitches or not. I chose not to and had to be really careful the first few days, but the recovery has been so much better without stitches.

Baby #3 was born at 8:55 a.m. after 6 or 7 hours of labor and only 14 minutes of pushing. He was my biggest baby weighing in at 9 lbs. 7 oz., 22 inches long, and a 14.75 inch head.

I absolutely do not want to do it again--I'm content with #3 and neither my husband or I feel that we'll have anymore. But if I did, I would still choose a natural birth again.

Birth Books

Going on baby #3, I've read lots of pregnancy and birth books. The list tends to be heavy on natural birthing because that it is what I have chosen when possible, but I've read a variety. Though I certainly advocate natural birth, I also know that it's not the right choice for everyone or a possibility for every pregnancy. But I firmly believe that you can't truly make a choice unless you actually know what your choices are. And just as it's important for someone like me planning a home birth to know about and be prepared for any possibility, including a c-section if it is truly needed, I believe it's important for someone planning a hospital birth with pain medications to have some knowledge of how to get through an unmedicated birth. I know plenty of women who planned a hospital birth with medications who had a baby too quickly to take anything--even one who gave birth in her car on the way to the hospital.

Since I keep a list of books I've read (yes, I'm a nerd like that), I can look back and know exactly what books I've read before each child.

Before Baby #1 (who I wanted to have naturally but being in a hospital setting contributed to me needing an epidural--one that didn't work like they're supposed to):

1) Having a Baby, Naturally by Peggy O'Mara
Written by the editor of Mothering Magazine, it's a good overview of natural childbirth.
2) Birthing from Within by Pam England
I don't remember a lot of details from this book, but I remember that it covers lots of methods for coping with the pain of childbirth, not just one like most books do.
3) Birth: The Surprising History of How We are Born by Tina Cassidy
Talks about the history of childbirth through the years. Interesting to see how much things change and how certain beliefs came to be.
4) Belly Laughs by Jenny McCarthy
Not an education book, but she does give some funny insight into a first time mom's experience. She can be a little crude, and I didn't like the follow up Baby Laughs nearly as much.
5) The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy by Vicki Iovine
Written by a normal woman. It talks about some of the weird, embarrassing things that women in experience during pregnancy and childbirth that we don't talk about with everyone.
6) Hypnobirthing by Marie F. Mongan
I've known this method to work great for many people. It simply didn't for me. I don't think I'm the right personality for it. But if you are planning a natural birth, it's a good one to look into.
7) What to Expect When You're Expecting
This is the only book I wish I hadn't read. It should only be used as a reference book (but you can easily search the same information on childbirth websites like babycenter.com). Read from cover to cover it brings up too many scary what ifs that are rarely an issue.

Before Baby #2 (who I gave birth to in a tub at home):

1) Better Birth by Denise Spatafora
My take on it after reading it was: "Pretty good, a little too touchy feely, repetitive and there are lots of others like it."
2) Your Best Birth by Ricki Lake and Abby Epstein
This is a good one with lots of information and fairly unbiased. They also have two documentaries: The Business of Being Born and More Business of Being Born which are usually available n Netflix Streaming. The first one set out to explore natural birth, but in an unexpected turn of events also follows a birth that ends up taking place in a hospital. Which reinforces my feelings that it's important to know all aspects of birth.
3) Birth Matters: A Midwife's Manifesta by Ina May Gaskin
Ina May is the most well-known midwife in America, and is also known throughout the world. She definitely advocates natural birth. But if you want to learn about it, she is the one to read.
4) Gentle Birth Choices by Barbara Harper, RN
This one was long, but had a good coverage of lots of issues surrounding childbirth.
5) The Official Lamaze Guide by Lothian and DeVries
Another method of childbirth pain management. I've never stuck to one method, but was glad that I read a variety so I had different methods to call on at the time.
6) Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin
The book to read on natural childbirth.
7) Ina May's Guide to Breastfeeding by Ina May Gaskin
A good guide to breastfeeding no matter what your childbirth choices or realities are.

Before Baby #3 (who is due in a couple of weeks and I'm planning a home waterbirth, though I have back up plans for if something goes wrong):

1) A Good Birth by Anne Drapkin Lyerly
I highly recommend this book to anyone who has given birth, especially if things didn't go as hoped. It helped me process both of my previous births and come to terms with some regrets I had.
2) The Homebirth Guide by some doctors
This one was okay. As someone who had already given birth at home, it was mostly reminders.
3) Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin
A good reread and reminder.
4) Ina May's Guide to Breastfeeding by Ina May Gaskin

Another good reread. I'm really hoping to avoid the same early breastfeeding issues I encountered with my first two (who had different issues). What I've probably learned the most is to get professional intervention right away if I'm having any difficulties.

5) Mindful Birthing by Nancy Bardacke

The method in this one is mostly meditation, but I've found good information in it even without doing the meditation practices. Even with all the other childbirth books I've read, I'm glad that I picked up this one.

So there you have it. I believe that knowledge is power--but too much knowledge can stress you out. What I really wish I'd known the first time around (both in reading about birthing and parenting) was to gather knowledge but to trust in myself, to not become too attached to any one method or idea, and to speak up for myself.

For Baby #3, I have plans for how I want things to go, contingency plans for if something goes wrong, and trying to have more trust in my body's ability to birth, and since I'm religious, a little more faith in God and a little less need to try and control things out of my control.

Lost in Motherhood

A recent conversation made me remember my pre-children, even pre-marriage college days. Back when I was known as a femi-nazi (though you truly don’t have to be radical to be called that in a conservative religious town). When I got passionate about issues. When I dabbled in vegetarianism (aka, I didn’t like to cook meat). When I wrote poetry. When I didn’t wear a bra for about six years (pregnancy put a damper on that at the time and breastfeeding has put a damper on it forever). I was, in small ways, my generation’s version of a hippie.

For a moment, I wondered what had happened to my past self. Where did she go? Did she, as I had feared, get swallowed up in the role of wife and mother? My sister reassured me that I won’t feel it as much once my children are older and no longer need so much of my time. But I also realized that the hippie college student has simply morphed into the hippie momma.

I had a natural waterbirth at home. I’m breastfeeding my toddler. My baby wears an amber teething necklace that absorbs into the skin and aids in pain relief (it always sounds weird when I explain it out loud, but I swear it’s helped her). I use cloth diapers. I co-sleep and wear my baby in a sling. I made homemade baby food. Neither of my children ever took a bottle or a pacifier (I am lucky in that I have not had to leave them to work much since I had them). A fun family weekend activity involves going to the Farmer’s Market. I blog.

I did not lose myself. I transformed into myself as a mom (with a little bit of my mom thrown in—this morning I watched The Price is Right with my daughter and sealed the deal on that one). I wish I had more time and energy for me. I wish I could do Yoga without a child climbing on my head. I wish I still wrote creative works that could be rejected by every journal I sent it in to. Right now I feel lucky if I get to shower every day. But my life will not always be like this and when the time comes, maybe I can rediscover some of my old self. Just with less anger, less bad poetry, and a lot more cleavage support.

Choices in Childbirth

First Child: Hospital Birth

Second Child: Home Birth

“Those among us who deliver ‘naturally’ strut around like war horses.”

This is the line from Bringing Up Bebe that upset me. For one thing, the author was not living in the U.S. and  viewed American women who chose natural (drug-free) childbirth from across the ocean through magazines or other media. There was no indication that she knew anyone personally who had delivered naturally--let alone who strutted around the fact. Women like that might exist somewhere, but they are not the norm. It does not even come close to my own experience or what I've seen with other women who chose natural childbirth.

I rarely volunteer that I delivered naturally. I'm not ashamed, but it rarely is met with kindness or even neutrality. Sometimes people are merely curious, which I'm fine with. But most often people think you're crazy at best and a bad mother at worst.


Just a few days ago I walked into a conversation about another mom who had delivered naturally because she "likes pain." The person speaking then saw me and said, "Well, you know. You did it." I didn't really respond, but the idea that women who deliver naturally enjoy pain, or even have higher pain tolerance, is not true in most if not all cases. I normally have very low pain tolerance. And I complain a lot. If my toe hurts or I have a headache, you're going to hear about it. I didn't choose natural childbirth because I wanted pain. I chose it because the pain (and there was a lot of it, and I screamed bloody murder during the pushing phase) was worth the easier recovery to me.

My sister delivered both of her children drug free and she says that people don't trust her experience as much as they do mine. I delivered one with an epidural in a hospital and one completely naturally in my home. Experience number two was infinitely better, pain and all. For me. Doesn't mean it would be better for you. And I'm very careful that I don't tell anyone what they should choose with such a personal decision. (I have met someone who tells everyone that they need to deliver at home--funny enough it was a man telling a woman.)

Part of why I'm so careful about judging other people for their childbirth choices is because I've faced so much judgment with mine. Why would you endanger your child like that? Well, obviously I didn't feel I was endangering my child or I wouldn't have made that decision. A friend who chose natural childbirth with her first child after years of infertility was urged to not take a chance on her first child. As if those who get pregnant more easily are willing to risk a baby's life. Or as if she would love a second child less than her first.

So bring your curiosity, but try to keep your judgments to yourself. Because choosing a path different than the norm is difficult. And a choice of a different childbirth path is extremely personal and is often met with hostility even years after the choice was made.

Birth Choices

“For all of mothering history, women have learned from their mothers, aunts, sisters, and close friends what labor and birth are like. It’s not all sunshine and roses. The goal is not to read about women who didn’t feel pain, or women who had superhuman strength. We women are all different; we have different pain tolerances, different worldviews, different way we handle challenges. But after giving birth, we are all the same: we are mothers.” - Mayim Bialik

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A friend of mine recently gave birth at home. (Congratulations and great job!) Before she did, she wanted to talk to me about my experience with home birth to get some insight and encouragement. Especially because most of the people she talked to had been negative about her birthing choice.

When I made the choice to birth my second child at home, I got everything from enthusiastic support to people who were horrified that I would put my child at such risk. (Obviously I didn't feel that I was putting my child at risk by making that choice--otherwise I wouldn't have made it.)

I don't wish a home birth or a natural birth for everyone. But what every woman deserves is informed choice in her birthing options (not to mention actual access to different birthing options) and to not have people who are not the child's parent tell them that they are making the wrong choice. 

I have talked with many women whose ideas about birth conflict with my own. I am open with the fact that I gave birth at home and I will share my experience with anyone who asks. But I am careful not to force my opinions on anyone who doesn't want to hear them. And no matter how they gave birth--from a planned C-section to a home water birth using hypnosis--in the end each one is a mother who carried and delivered her baby and made the first of many difficult decisions that she hopes is right for her child.